Funny Signs: A Tale of our Dinner Out with the Kids

Last night, when out to dinner with my Sis and Bro-in-law, I was reminded of a story I told them a while ago that I thought was pretty funny. Figured it would be a good one to share, so here it is.

Several weeks ago, just after Brody was born, I was feeling particularly adventurous one Friday night (and consequently, feeling not much like cooking) so we decided to take our maiden voyage out to dinner as a "party of five."  We chose a little diner-type place that we had been to once before with Nicholas and Avery (Brody still on board at that point) because it was spacious, and not really ever crowded.  As with many families, we like to choose places that are easy to lug the kids into, and where we will disturb as few people as possible if anyone starts to scream and cry or fling food across the room. Additionally, this place happens to have mashed potatoes on the menu, which is one of about 3 foods that we can successfully get Nicholas to eat without having to pack a seperate bag of his favorites.  So, it was all set!  We piled the kids into the new "Swagger Wagon," and ventured to the restaurant.

On this day, Nicholas had been particularly vocal for most of the day at home.  Now, this may seem strange since he doesn't "talk" per say, but he DOES talk in his own way.  He uses his voice, and makes a series of "EEEEEEEE's" and "AHHHHHHHS" that vary in degrees of pitch and volume depending on what he is "talking" about.  If he is happy, these are accompanied by smiles and maybe a laugh or two.  If he is unhappy, his face twists into a look of disgruntlement, and they become like more of a while until I can figure out what he needs.  I must admit that after listening to this series of sounds for a better part of the day, my tolerance for it decreases by about 5pm.  It becomes something like nails on a chalkboard for me, because often times, he is not necessarily upset by anything, but just chooses to talk for the entire day.  It is a reminder to me that I have no idea what is going on in his head that excites him so, and therefore it becomes frustrating to me.  My hopes were that by changing the environment, and trying this little dinner excursion, it would settle him down into a more quiet and calm state.

Well, I couldn't have been more wrong.  We began our evening by barreling into this quiet restaurant, requesting a large table in the addition at the front of the restaurant (which was presently free of other diners-BONUS!), settling the two older kiddos into their high chairs, and plopping Brody onto the table in his car seat.  All was well in the land of dining so far.  And as usual, we ordered the kids' food first, so that one of us can focus on feeding Nicholas (which I will suffice to say can be very challenging) and so that Avery won't have a melt-down because she is starving to death.  Still, so far so good.  However, as we were waiting for our food, Nicholas was talking away, and becoming increasingly agitated in his vocal way.  We brought a few things that he typically likes to play with at the table, and these were not seeming to do the trick for him.  After about 10 minutes of his non-stop, slightly irritated talking, the food arrived.  I'm thinking, "mashed potatoes....one of his favorites. Maybe he is just hungry and once he starts to eat he will settle down."  Wrong again!  As Avery picked at her food, my husband and I took turns trying to feed Nicholas.  He started to get really angry, and would "EEEEE EEEEEE" and "AHHHH AHHH" while simultaneously turning his head away from the food, squirming in his seat, and absolutely refusing to eat.  Hmmmm, Ok, weird.  What now?  Well, after several attempts, we gave up at feeding him.  Though they say "when a kid is hungry, he will eat," this does not apply to my son. Often times it is about how you are PRESENTING the food which causes him to become agitated and refuse to eat it.  But this time, he simply did not want to eat, and we figured we'd just enjoy OUR dinner and deal with it later.  At last, our dinner arrives.  At about this time, Nicholas begins what I would consider to be a total melt-down of epic proportions.  While some kids on the spectrum tend to have melt-downs that are much louder and maybe more obvious than Nicholas' (for which I am thankful I do not yet deal with), for him, this was one of his worst.  He began thrashing around in his seat, swiping the items we had brought for him to play with all over the floor, and making this guttural noise that was as close to yelling as he is capable. (He's just not a screamer kind of kid. )  Meanwhile, amidst the chaos happening at our table, a lovely older couple was seated at the table DIRECTLY next to us.  Fantastic!  Here they are, probably just out for a nice quiet Friday night dinner, and they are seated next to a table with three kids, one of whom is fussing for a bottle, another who is bored with her food and on to whining about wanting to get down, and the third of which is flailing around like a caged dog who wants to chase a cat!  We had just become "THAT TABLE!"  At this point, I decided, for both their sanity and mine,  that we had reached a point at which it was appropriate to take Nicholas outside to see if he would calm down a bit.  Now, let's not mistake.....this is not because I was "embarrassed" by his behavior.  If any of my kids were creating a scene such as this, Autism or not,  I would feel it my civil duty to act in the same manner and remove my child from the situation for the benefit of the other diners.  This is just my personal approach to family dining, and my opinion of proper unwritten restaurant etiquette.
 At any rate, this night, it happened to be Nicholas.  So he and I stepped outside for a few minutes, and his fit continued as my dinner sat cooling off on the table to an inedible temperature.  My husband, on the other hand, eats like a tornado moving across Kansas, so by the time I came back in with my temperamental boy, he was almost finished eating.  We agreed that it would be best if he just take Nicholas to the car, while I ate my dinner, paid the bill, and rounded the others up for the journey home.  All the while, this couple eyeballed us a couple of times, but did not seem particularly irritated.  Who knows, maybe they were just being polite.  So, I finished up my dinner, quietly (and still sweating!), with the other two at the table with me.  I began to pack up our things, and recover from the stress of this entire situation which had only been exacerbated by the fact that we now had witnesses. As I wondered to myself if these innocent bystanders would be cursing us after we left, I glanced over at them with an apologetic look.  And here's the funny part.....they did not notice my glance because they were in some sort of discussion with each other.  And this discussion was in the form of SIGN LANGUAGE!!!  OMG!!! It hit me like a brick that these two people had not been disturbed in the SLIGHTEST by our crazy table!  They hadn't heard a THING!  It was probably the most unlikely thing that could have happened at that moment, and the irony of it was hysterical to me!

 After the humor of it all passed, it did make me think.  We all have our challenges, but in those challenges, sometimes there come benefits.  Nicholas may have Autism to struggle with, but with that will come his special abilities (like being able to spell at age 3!) that won't come so easily to other kids.  For this couple, their challenge was adapting to living with their hearing loss, but thankfully for them, it also spared them a potentially very irritating dinner on the town!  See!  Every cloud DOES have a silver lining!

Meet the Family

Well, now that I've gotten a bunch of the emotional blabbering out of the way, I figure it's a good time to get everyone up to speed on the CURRENT picture of my family.  Now, when I say "picture," it's going to be a verbal description, because trying to capture all three of my kids in one photograph would be beyond miraculous. (OK, I stand corrected....we actually got one today!) Anyway, Mom (that's me) Dad (hubby) and the kiddos all live happily together in a modest home in Michigan.  Nicholas is now 3 1/2 years old, and despite not being verbal, has quite the silly personality on him. He laughs at things we don't even see, and loves his blocks, puzzles, and anything with letters on it. He also enjoys Yo Gabba Gabba,  Word World, Sid the Science Kid, and long walks on the beach. (okay, just kidding about that last one, but we haven't actually tried that yet, so maybe it's true!)  Avery is my spitfire 18 month old.  She is as cute as a button, and as sassy as a 13 year old.  She is my little helper, and enjoys doing anything that mommy is doing, or simply throwing food, blocks or anything else she can get her hands on from her high chair onto the ground. She is a very dramatic little girl, and she will most definitely run the show when it comes to her brothers one day. Brody is my tiny (or not so tiny) four month old man. He is my little smiley "tank," as we lovingly refer to him, and he is currently perfecting his skills of reaching, rolling, and doing his version of "crunches" every chance he gets. The three of them keep me hopping, and there is rarely a quiet moment in our home. My husband Chris is an awesome, involved daddy who loves all of his babies, and is my biggest support system.  We operate as a team in our home, and while I generally create the processes that run our household, he helps me implement them.  There is no way in this world that I could do this by myself, so kudos to all of those single mommies and daddies out there who do it every day.  Special needs children or not, parenting is so challenging, and in so many ways that I could never have understood until I had my own.  Without my husband, I would probably crumble to the ground most days (and even with him, I do some days!)

From the outside, I guess we look like the "typical" American family, whatever that means. Our kids are the center of lives, as they should be.  Every day with them is a day that I feel lucky (ok, if I'm being honest, maybe not EVERY day...but most days!)   And reflecting here on Mother's Day, I can say that I feel so blessed to have my happy little family.  Sure, we have our trials and tribulations like all of you, and some days I need to just get away, but NEVER do I truly feel like I would want it any other way. My kids are what have given me direction since their birth.  Some say they are still trying to figure out what they want to be when they grow up, and until now, I wasn't sure either.  But since the birth of my babies, I know that I was meant to be here for them, and thanks to them, I have a real purpose in life.  They have reshaped my world into something I could have never imagined.  While three in diapers is challenging, and adding to that, one dose of Autism, I look forward to our undoubtedly bumpy but exciting road ahead because we will all be TOGETHER!  Happy (belated) Mother's Day to all of you mommies out there who undoubtedly feel the same way about your babies as I do about mine!!

Octopus's Garden

I'm going to get a little out of order here because today was such an extraordinary day for me (us.) To some, it may not sound like much, but for me, it was priceless. Today was the beginning of my first overnight (during the week, filled with our typical hectic schedule) alone with all three of my kiddos.  The morning started off fabulously, as for a change, Nicholas slept the entire way through the night. Now, I don't want to jinx myself for  tonight since I am alone all night with them all, but he has been waking from about 2am until 5 am, doing nothing but making noises and basically testing my instinctive mother's hearing abilities. Thanks to Nicholas, I have learned that I could NEVER sleep through one of my children's midnight wakings.  Thanks for giving me that boost of parental confidence kiddo!  Anyway, though we've tried a number of things to get him back to sleep in the middle of the night, we have finally come to the conclusion that nothing works, and we must just let him do his thing until he finally passes out. Sometimes this is comfortably in his bed, and other times it's sprawled out in the middle of the floor with no pillow or blanket.  I hate this, but it is what it is.   It's maddening, and it doesn't help that my 4 month old, Brody still gets up for his 2 or 3am feeding, and my beautiful Avery is QUITE the early bird, usually up by 6am. Talk about a couple of walking zombies! My husband and I sometimes take naps in shifts on weekends just to make it through the day.   In an act of desperation yesterday, I decided to try something new with Nicholas. Having heard of "music therapy" but not knowing a whole lot about it, I decided to buy some headphones  for him that would allow him to listen to my music collection wirelessly.  I have seen him show an interest in music, and he even recognizes some of my favorite songs (that I have a bad habit of playing over and over in the car....poor kids!) I thought maybe this could be a calming exercise for him since I've seen them do it in his private OT sessions and it seemed to be something he enjoyed.  Despite not having the correct equipment for actual "music therapy" per say, I was pleasantly surprised that when I popped the headphones on his head for the first time (well, with some resistance from Nicholas since he doesn't like to have his ears touched) and upon hearing the music, he immediately calmed, stopped putting his hands in his mouth (which he does incessantly,) and was smiling, and even laughing at the song!  Thank you Pandora Toddler Radio!!!

Then it occurred to me....why not try this during his nap or bedtime?  So, that I did.  After laying him in his bed, and doing our usual ritual (with a weighted blanket, stuffed puppy and monkey) I asked him if he'd like to listen to some music.  He looked me directly in the eye and had a little smirk on his face...I took this as a solid "YES!"  So, as it turns out, either Nicholas is a HUGE Beatles fan (Abbey Road, of course...it's all I could think of quickly from my music library that was somewhat mellow) or they bore him to sleep because after a few smiles and laughs during "Octupus's Garden," he placed his hands behind his head, and nodded off within 5 minutes!  I was astounded, since nap time, until now has been something like this:  lay him down, cover him up, turn on white noise machine, turn on ceiling fan, walk out of the room, walk downstairs, look at video monitor, find Nicholas happily standing on his head in his bed downward-dog style, return upstairs, and repeat process.  Good times, let me tell you. And usually during this time, Avery has already fallen asleep, and by the time the process ends (which sometimes includes me just giving up) Avery has usually woken up, and Brody is ready for action too.  This equates to ZERO quiet time for mommy.  However, it DOES also result in quite the additional calorie burn for the day, since I climb and descend the stairs about 1500 times by the end of it all.  Geesh....when we bought a quad level home 8 years ago, I figured the stairs are only an issue for the elderly.  Who would have thunk that they would become my nemesis when I had children....but I digress.

It remains to be seen if this technique will always work for him (us,) but on this day, it did, and I couldn't be more excited! I feel like I learned just a little something more about what Nicholas likes and needs, and when you don't have that experience on a daily basis, it is profoundly pleasing!   These are the moments that I treasure, and never take for granted. I look forward to the next one, and in the meantime, you can bet I'll be putting a playlist together JUST for Nicholas.

Five Minutes of Fame

I've been trying to blog all week, to no avail.  I can't figure out why it is so difficult to find 30 minutes to sit down and write something meaningful. I mean, kids don't take THAT much time, right?  How long does it take for mom to make a bottle, or a sippy cup of milk, or a snack, or soothe a 4 month old who is tired, or play with a 3 1/2 year old who loves to climb all over me, or an 18 month old who likes to do EVERYTHING!?  I mean, geesh, c'mon! I really need to step it up!  Well, in the meantime (since I have now two more posts in progress that I hope to complete soon) I thought I'd post our recent radio interview with our local 96.3 radio station.  We were selected as one of the Children's Miracle Network "Miracle Families" since Nicholas has become a favorite around the therapy facility. He's always brown-nosing the staff there....what a ham!  Anyway, below is the link to the interview, and it was part of a radio-thon to raise money for Beaumont Children's hospital, which includes the therapy facility where Nicholas has been going for just short of 4 years.  I'm not sure how long this link will work, but figured I'd post it for now since it worked this morning.  By the way, their goal was to raise $100,000, and they exceeded this and raised $122,000!  Good Job Nicholas! Thanks for letting mommy share your story!  (note: you may have to cut and paste this link into your browser.)

http://www.963wdvd.com/FlashPlayer/default.asp?SPID=31766&ID=2444722

And Here We Are Today......

And now, fast-forward almost 2 years since I last wrote.....and two babies later.  Life is moving along at the speed of a Gazelle, and I now have three beautiful children who all keep me on my toes in their own ways. Along the way, I wrote once or twice with the intention of starting a blog, but never really kept up with it. (Gee, go figure.  I've been pregnant three times in four years, and in between dealing with the needs of infants basically for that entire time!)  I figured that today, I'd post the old stuff, because for me (P.D=post-diagnosis) it has been interesting to read where I was mentally even back then.  At any rate, my purpose going forward is to just puke out what comes to mind when I feel like writing, and record some of these crazy moments in our lives.  I will never be able to look back and remember these details, because with three in diapers, my days are already spent in a haze much of the time.  I can't remember what I had for breakfast by 3pm, and so I highly doubt I'll remember some of the delightful (and some not so delightful) moments with my beautiful babies.  This blog will not focus on just Autism, but will discuss the whole picture, and the complexities of raising three children when Autism is in the picture. I think it's important for me to capture, and hopefully will be beneficial to someone else out there who is like I once was (and still am!)....seeking support, direction, and shared experiences.  This can be a long and lonely journey if you don't know how to keep yourself on your life raft.  I've fallen off of mine a few times, and probably will again, but I hope that in the end, I can be some else's life raft for a change.  And so, let the blogging begin......

One of Those Days....or weeks. Written sometime in 2010...

Many times, I wonder if it gets easier. The constant search for answers, and the constant search for support. I look at my son, who smiles and plays and wonder if some day he will ever start to walk, hold his bottle, feed himself, or understand what I am saying to him. I used to take these things for granted, but now I just pray for these things. The anxiety is too much to bear sometimes. With baby number two on the way, I worry about how we will cope. I worry about how my son will adjust. I worry that the new baby will have the same (or worse issues) than my son. I can't talk to anyone, because no one gets it. I am tired of being told not to compare my child to someone else's child of the same age. How can you not? It is impossible not to when they are side by side, and the "normal" child is running circles (literaly) around your own. You hurt for your child, even though he is not hurting. You hurt for yourself because you can't seem to find the support you need. No one understands it seems, not even my own family. I spend every waking moment with my son, and I love him every moment I am with him. That never changes. But what does change is my mental capacity to handle it. Some days, I am on top of the world, and ready to take on a day full of bottles (at almost age 2), feedings, diapers, and therapy. Other days, like today, well, it's just different. I am sad beyond words. I don't want to talk to anyone. I don't want to go anywhere. I am tired. I am emotionally drained. I feel that the world is out there, and I am here. I cry for my son, and I'll admit, sometimes I cry for myself. Why can't this just be like everyone else's parenting experience? And if it can't be, why can't I just find ONE person to talk to who can relate? I have tried everything I can think of, but I'm just not getting that emotional outlet I need. The pressure never ends. Am I doing enough for my son? Should I be doing more? Is it my fault that he isn't progressing faster? Is it my fault that he is this way in the first place? And then the thoughts of the future cross my mind. Will he catch up? What if he doesn't? Will he find a wife someday? Have children? Or will I always be caring for him? It is hard for me to imagine him being self-sufficient at this point, even though that is absolutely entirely possible. But I am afraid to have hope, because I am tired of being crushed. I don't want to be told anymore that everything will work out. It is NOT working out. For everyone else, looking in from the outside, it may be "working out." But every single day, I cry at some point. And every single day I hurt. Some days are worse than others, but every day is hard. But I'm not allowed to show this. It's not socially acceptable. My friends try to understand, but don't. Even though people try to be there for me, sometimes I feel that I have no one. Sometimes I feel desperate. I hate it. This is not who I am. I need a new perspecitve, but I can't find one. Don't get me wrong, I smile and laugh every day too. My son is the best gift that I have ever been given. But this journey is the hardest I've ever traveled, and I'm simply not one of these people who look at the bright side of everything and ignore the rest. I'm too practical and too jaded for that. I know, from my own experiences, that things don't always work out the way we want them to, and therefore, I choose to approach life realistically and not in some La La Land of denial like others do. So where do I go from here? I have no clue. For now, another cup of coffee, and a tissue to dry my eyes.

Scrambled Eggs Make Me Happy! Written sometime in 2010

So I will just start to write....I have been waiting for the right way to "start" this blog, or for the perfect formation of words, but since neither seem to come to me quickly, I figure I will just start writing. As time goes on, whoever takes the time to read this (if only ME sometime down the road) will come to learn of the complexity and extremes of my thoughts and emotions. There. Done. Now I can start.

So today has been a good day! While some days, I wonder if my beautiful son will ever make steps towards a "typical" childhood, other days I marvel in the small accomplisments of the day, and find extreme joy in them! Today: NICHOLAS ATE SCRAMBLED EGGS!! Now, to most of you (assuming anyone is actually reading this,) this may not seem like much. However, to anyone who knows my son's typical eating habits, it is easy to understand why this is such a major milestone for us! For breakfast, we typically have only a few items to choose from: Yo Baby Yogurt cups, instant oatmeal, cottage cheese, and applesauce. Additionally, until recently, these items had to be presented in their original (and very specific) packaging, or my very picky son would not even TRY a bite of them. However, over the past few months, I've been wroking really hard to expand his food choices (while selfishly maintaining a sense of ease for myself since we are usually in hurry to be somewhere, and I don't have time for "therapy food sessions.) This morning, I thought, "Heck, let's give the scrambled eggs a try again!" Much to my pleasant surprise, Nicholas not only tried them, but ate TWO scrambled eggs! Okay, so still you may not understand why this pleases me so. Well, consider this...we can now go to just about ANY restaurant which serves breakfast, and NOT pack a seperate bag for Nicholas!! This opens up a whole new world for us!!! Now if only I could get him to do chicken nuggets and french fries....Lunch is down the road a bit I guess. :-)

Emotions of the past....written in the summer of 2010

I'm not sure why I am writing this, or to whom, or what I hope to gain from doing so. But something compelled me get it all out....all of it. After a long week of battling pregnancy hormones and emotions, speech therapy evaluations, and Early Intervention specialists sharing their well-meaning opinions, I was looking forward to the birthday party my friend was having for her one year old son. However, as the day approached, I became anxious. When we arrived at the party, we were greeted by our closest friends, and their thriving children who were enjoying a very kid friendly back yard, complete with a swing set and bounce house to round out the party activities. There was energy in the air, and everyone was glad to be enjoying the day with their families, and celebrating the one year milestone of a very special little boy. As was I.....at first. As the day progressed, and my little man was not participating in any of the activities, or interacting with any of the kids, my mood began to deteriorate. I think I hit the mental wall when I watched her sons one year old grasp his sippy cup of milk, and begin to drink. Why? Because I was shocked to see this for one thing, and secondly, my almost 2 year old son was not only NOT drinking from a sippy cup yet, but would not even hold his own bottle. I began to focus not on the fun of the day, but on the lack of relation I had to any of these parents, who also happened to be my closest friends. I sunk further into my mental hole as I realized that I no longer was going to be able to share in the stories of raising our children, as theirs would be filled with annoyances like their child throwing their spaghetti on the floor, and mine something more like the annoyance of him never holding a spoon, or touching his food with his hands, or self feeding. Perhaps I would talk about the annoyance of sitting in therapy waiting rooms every other day, or specialst appointments every month, and the constant negativity I was spoonfed each evaluation about my sons development and uncertain future, only to be in return, given those sympathetic looks that mean to say, "I cant relate to that, but I feel badly for you." Those looks are too much to bear. Now, my friends are awesome people, and I give them much more credit in real life that what that just sounded like, but mentally, this is where I stand. I stand alone. Alone.