Nicholas is very contently standing at his toddler-sized table that now is stationed in our living room as a semi-permanent eating/Ipad viewing area. This is where he spends most of his time now when he is home. Avery, being the very energetic and inquisitive two year old that she is, meanders over to the table to see what Nicholas is doing on his Ipad. He's spelling....using his favorite app First Words Deluxe, and impressing us with his skills. Avery now decides it's her turn to play on the Ipad. She shoves her way in between Nicholas and the table, and takes over like she's Steve Job's technical assistant. Nicholas does not appreciate this one bit. He grabs the shoulders of her Hello Kitty shirt, yanks her from the table, and in the process, knocks her to the ground. He then resumes his activity, completely unaware that this is unacceptable behavior. Crying ensues, as Avery gathers herself and her broken heart from the floor. Mom, observing the entire ordeal, weighs the options of how to handle this.
Scene II: Brody is on the move! Crawling all over the living room, and getting into everything. Nicholas, who is usually playing with his Ipad, has been given a "time out" from technology for a little while because, while mommy loves that we have found something that entertains AND teaches him, sometimes we all just need a breather from the constant noise of his favorite apps and music videos. Brody finds himself entertained by a knee high activity center that I bought several months ago. It has lights, music, and pieces to manipulate. He's innocently playing away on the floor, when Nicholas barrels over, grabs his shoulders, and pushes him from his spot in front of the activity center onto the floor, and takes over the toy. Once again, Mom watches the scene from across the room, unable to get there quickly enough to stop it before it happens, and then wonders, how I am to teach Nicholas that pushing his siblings to get what he thinks he needs right that second is NOT OK?
So, there you have it. I have referenced in my blogs the "complexities" of raising a special needs child among his typically-developing peers, and this is a perfect example of what I'm talking about. Not only do I lack personal experience in general with disciplining my children (because until now, we didn't have the "terrible twos" or anything of the like due to N's developmental delays, and as such, no real reason to "discipline" him) but I also will now start to experience these so-called "terrible twos" with my daughter in a setting where I know that I need to be consistent with discipline for her sake, but may not always be able to discipline N in the same way as her. And I imagine that this will become confusing for her (and eventually for Brody.)
Frankly, I'm not sure what I should realistically expect from N just yet in this area of behavior. At his last evaluation for Autism, the results indicated that his cognitive abilities were around that of an 18 month old, and in some cases less. Now, do I really believe this to be true? Yes and no. In terms of being able to spell, recognize words, match and sort, I know he is well above an 18 month old, and possibly even a typical 4 year old. However, I don't know if he understands the concept of right and wrong, or even simpler, sharing. As is typical for ASD kiddos, his impulses drive his behavior, and this is not really his fault, or meant by him to be bad behavior. He is wired differently. He is just responding to what his body and and mind tell him to do. If he yanks Avery away from his Ipad, it's not because he is being stingy and doesn't want her to have his Ipad. It's because he was in the middle of spelling a word in his game, and he NEEDS to finish that word.
And as I sit here writing (and re-reading) this, I'm finding it extremely difficult to even explain to my readers in my own words why he behaves the way he does at times. So how am I to explain this to a two year old when she finally figures out that he is being treated differently than she is? Why is he not getting a time-out for pushing his brother, when she just got one for the same reason? It's not to say that I will never punish him, but this chapter is only just beginning for us, and I don't have a guidebook (or even a friend) who can tell me how to approach punishments with an autistic toddler. I don't think he would even get it at this point. I'm sure I'll be scouring the web for blogs, or books on the topic, but the fact of the matter is that he will likely NOT be treated the same as his younger peers, and one day, they will recognize this. They will start to ask questions, and they will start to have feelings about it. I don't know if they will grow to be loving and protective of their brother, or if they will be angry and resentful. I can only hope as their mother that they feel as loved by me as they perceive that he is, and learn to have compassion for him and for each other.
These are the things I think about at night, and these are things that keep me awake into the wee hours of dawn at times. I don't have the answers, and like the rest of this journey, I'm confident that I'll figure them out along the way. But if you happen to have the Cliff's notes to this one, feel free to send them my way!
Ive been thinking about this since you told me you were going to write it. I attempted putting Jesiah on timeout once but he only sits down for self directed activities so ultimately I was punishing myself, after all he doesnt even get it. In our houshold we decided to just eliminate timeouts we didnt think it was fair to the other two especially when my oldest demanded we give his brother a timeout because ”HE DOES KNOW BETTER!” We do a lot of ”turn taking” and redirecting for everyone and we talk alot. When my oldest was 18 months I found out I was pregnant with Jesiah and found myself telling him bedtimestories in which he was the star each story involved big brother like behavior sharing, caring, and love. When Jesiah was diagnosed the stories shifted to patience, bullying, and autism. I believe these stories helped him become a very loving big brother. We have been doing the same for our two year old girl and she too is becoming more tolerant. I hope this helps a little :) BTW I read this blogpost not too long ago and your post made me think of it http://autisticson.wordpress.com/2012/08/26/the-silent-casualty/
ReplyDeleteErika, thank you so much for taking the time to share this. Interestingly enough, I have been telling my oldest stories about a fictitious character that we have named, but it is actually about him. (that sounds weird, now that I write it, but the name is similar to his, and he does love hearing about himself.) I like your idea about shifting the stories to be about more "current" situations, because now I tell him all about how awesome he is, and focus on talking about all of the things he is good at. This might be a good segway to shift into some of these sibling topics that are coming up. At this point, he is just beginning to notice his siblings actions, and I see this as a good sign. Before, I don't think talking about these things to him would have meant much to him, but now that I can talk about it in terms he understands (which will of course, involve his Ipad as the topic of a story) I think it might make a little sense to him. Since ABA has begun for him this summer, I'm noticing a BIG difference in his listening tendencies. While he doesn't respond to EVERYTHING I say to him, I definitely am more aware now of how much he DOES understand, and the fact that he's beginning to respond to any portion of those things, gives me hope that trying to introduce the topic of sharing to him would not be completely pointless. I think that this has actually been the biggest outcome of ABA for us. Not his ability to match pictures to objects, and "give me the spoon," but the fact that as his parents, we are starting to see inside of his head a little bit, and gaining some insight on just how much he really DOES pay attention to us. I know from research, that of course kids who are autistic posses the ability to understand MUCH more than they can convey, but as a parent, sometimes it's hard to see every day when there is little or no response. Little by little, we will get there! Also, thank you for sharing that blog link. I have read most of it (as I couldn't get through it all without tears) and I plan to read it again. He says it all so well, and so clearly, and I really appreciate you pointing me in that direction. It always provides me with comfort to just learn of other's experiences, and try to learn from them. Thanks for sharing yours!
DeleteHave you done any research on time-outs? In the behavior literature time-outs are to remove the child from what ever is reinforcing the behavior...its not to be punishment, or a way to teach them an appropriate alternative behavior, it is just suppose to be a "time-out" from the stimulus (stimuli) so you may not want to fret too much over "to give a time out or not give a time out" and instead incorporate appropriate interactions into like his ABA stuff or create social stories on his ipad he can read every day about how to play with his sibilings-kinda like what erikag420 does with bed time stories (you know he's pushing and grabbing cause he can't communicate his needs/wants-so teach him how to do those things without pushing & grabbing), then reinforce when he does things in a good way and ignore the "bad"-it will help you to be proactive instead of reactive...just a thought! :D
ReplyDeleteE-
DeleteThanks for your insightful response (as you are ALWAYS insightful!) :-) I can honestly say that other thank what I've seen on "Super Nanny," I have never ever done any research on time-outs. :-) I like your idea about introducing social stories on his Ipad, since it is obviously a captivating tool for him. They are not really doing this at school yet, but they are using a visual schedule for him which he's taken to pretty well, so this might just be a good time to try and introduce something like this for him. Do you happen to know of any recommended apps for social stories? Thanks for following, by the way! :-)