From Me to You....Liebster Award!

Thank you to PDD World, my new blogging friend, for nominating me for this award!  I started blogging more for my own theraputic reasons than anything, and as it evolved, I felt that perhaps this would be a way to help others along the way. (Since, after all, blogs were and still are a place of comfort and identification for me.) And that has become my mission...to get my message out and hopefully help at least one other person out there.  Thanks to this award, and to my readers (both old and new) I have been able to get my message out there, and at least make a small statement in this world.  So without further adieu, here's what it's all about....

This award is given to new or up and coming bloggers who have less than 200 followers. The award is then passed along to other bloggers in the same category to help spread the word and support each other.

1. Each blogger should post 11 random facts about themselves.

2. Answer the questions the tagger has set for you, then create 11 new questions for the bloggers you pass the award to.

3. Choose 11 new bloggers (or with less than 200 followers) to pass the award to and link them in your post.

4. Go to their page and tell them about the award.

5. No tag backs.


Let's begin!

11 RANDOM FACTS ABOUT Uncharted Territory:

1. I am a technology-a-holic....I love gadgets, computers, and software that makes my life easier.  But I AM able to turn it off from time to time....and am making a conscious effort to do that more often. 

2. I do not keep potato chips or chocolate chip cookies in my house. These are two foods that I CANNOT stop myself from eating if they are available....IN EXCESS!

3. My husband proposed to me at the top of the Arc d'Triumph in Paris....yes, sickeningly romantic, I know!  :-)

4.  I can blow bubbles off of my tongue....you know, the saliva kind? (ewwww, I know!)  I used to do this in the volleyball huddle in college, and used to get in trouble for this by my coach.  

5. To clarify number 4, I played volleyball in college, and for many years after.  I am now too broken from injuries and child bearing that I will now have to take up a new sport that is less physically trying....perhaps underwater basket weaving?

6. I once ran a half marathon, and on a seperate occasion  rode my bike 100 miles in 2 days.  This was a VERY long time ago....clearly!

7. I prefer listening to music over watching television.

8. My first ever job was corn detasseling (Google it if you really want to know)...I HAD to throw that one in...it always makes people laugh when I tell them this. 

9. I am a HUGE Neil Diamond fan. I know just about every song he's ever written/sung, and have seen him in concert twice. 

10.  I have a new-found love of all things that sparkle. This from a girl who was no-frills for most of my life.  Maybe it's having a little girl that is bringing it out in me.

11. I love to cook, and look forward to spending lots of time in the kitchen with my little ones, but not until they are old enough to help me clean up!

Here are the questions from PDDWorld with my answers:

1) What are three things you CAN NOT live without?   Tweezers, Mc Donald's Diet Coke, and my kids. :-)

2) When was the last time you cried? Hmm, today....I cry all of the time, both for good and bad reasons. I wear it on my sleeve, and that's just the way it is. 

3)  Do you secretly have a favorite kid? Maybe, but if I told you, I'd have to kill you!  :-)

4)  Bath or shower?  Shower for sure. The idea of a bath is nice, but actually taking a bath grosses me out for some reason. 

5) If you saw somebody shoplifting, would you say something or pretend you didn't see anything?  Good one!  I'm not sure...I would probably say something, but if the person looked super down and out, I might just approach them and offer to buy it for them.  

6) Do you have a favorite picture of yourself? Where and when was it taken? Not that I can think of, but if I did, it would not have been taken in the last 5 years!  Darn that baby weight!

7) Do you have any pets? One cat...she's been with me for 10 years.  I smuggled her across the border from Canada to detroit in a duffle bag after finding her on a volleyball court in Windsor.  

8) What song is stuck in your head? Yo Gabba Gabba's "The first day of school, the first day of school, the first day of school, the first day of school!!"  Ugh!  For three days now!

9) Have you ever been arrested? Nada

10) Do you think you're a good judge of a person's character? Usually, but sometimes I'm fooled.

11) When was the last time you laughed til your face hurt? Sadly, I can't remember.  Need to make that happen soon!

QUESTIONS FROM ME TO MY NOMINEES:

1. Were you a regular blog reader before you began blogging yourself?

2. Where is the farthest place you have ever traveled?

3. If you could change one personality trait about yourself, what would it be?

4. Old fashioned book, or Ebooks? 

5. What is your favorite thing to do when you have a moment to yourself at home?

6. What was your childhood (or current) Nickname?

7. Do you have any strange or unusual phobias?

8. What type of vacation do you prefer, relaxing on a beach somewhere, or something more adventurous like hiking up a mountain?

9. What is your biggest pet peave?


10.  If you won a million dollars playing the lottery, what would you do with the money?

11. If you could meet any person in the world (current or historical figure) who would it be?

And now here are MY PICKS for the Liebster Award- Please check them out! .....Also, I am so new that I don't even know of 11 blogs that are so new that they don't have 250 followers, so I researched a few that I PLAN to check out....otherwise, this is going to take me WEEKS to pass this on!

1. http://www.caffeinatedautismmom.com/
2. http://www.imjustthatway.com/
3. http://blogginglily.blogspot.com/
4. http://minikitkatgirl.blogspot.com/
5. http://www.drawingroads.com/index.html
6. http://autism--tearsofaclown.blogspot.com/
7. http://myfamilysexperiencewithautism.blogspot.com/
8. http://pambyrne.blogspot.com/
9. http://www.skinnyscoop.com/listitem/49203/26689/cgregoryrun
10. http://www.confessionsofanaspergersmom.blogspot.com/
11. http://claireandpuppy.blogspot.com/

The Language Barrier

I want to talk about what it's like to have a non-verbal toddler.  I've touched on this before, many times, but I want to talk specifically and solely about this.  And lately, I've gotten a lot more "likes" on my blog's FB page by those who are in the autism community (for which I am grateful, because this is when I feel the feedback will really start coming....for better or for worse!)  and so I'd like to share my experience with this to see if anyone else out there has some insight, hopeful stories, or just plain perspective.  

Unlike many other young autistic children, my son has not yet uttered a single word. Some parents have experiences where their children hit each of their milestones, including speaking, and then watch them drift away at around 18 months of age. This seems to be pretty "typical" when I hear parent's tell their autistic child's story. I have never been able to relate to this.   Jacqueline Laurita, of Real Housewives of New Jersey, fairly recently went public about her son's autism. When I first heard this news, I was watching the reunion show (of which I have admitted many times, I have an unhealthy addiction) and she was having a very emotional discussion about this fact.  Of course, I cry at just about everything these days, but when the audio recording of her young son's voice ended a beautiful  montage of him in which he uttered the words, "I love you" to her, I began to sob.  I felt so incredibly sad for her to have had that moment with him, and then to have watched  it slip away into the 'abyss of language' that is Autism. How could she have known that this may have been the last time she would hear these words from him for a very long time?  (I choose not to say ever again, because I always believe that these kids can find their voice again!)  I could not get over how heartbreaking that must have been for her. I still cry when I think about that. Not just for her, but for every single parent who has that faint memory of their child's sweet voice remaining in their head, and now just looks into their distant eyes each day and no words are exchanged.   I've heard this story over and over from parents whose kids have "lost language" at some point, but to actually hear that little voice so clearly, and to know that it just suddenly disappeared, really was a heart wrenching thought for me.

Oddly enough, some may think that scenario is less heart wrenching than the fact that I have NEVER heard my son utter even a single word.  At about a year old, we got a few "ba ba ba's" out of him, and  even have a "dada" on film at one point, but it never moved past that.  And for this reason, I guess I never really could pinpoint when even the syllables stopped.  Nicholas communicates basically through a series of high pitched whines.  It has been this way for so long, that I just know how to read them, and they don't even sound odd to me anymore. (I'm only aware of them when we are in public somewhere, and I begin getting the stares....) When he's excited, they are accompanied by smiles, and when he is unhappy, they are more distinctive and frustrated sounding.  He does not cry, and has never shed tears.  He only whines.  Well, and laughs, of course!  :-)

When he was younger (pre-diagnosis,) I kept thinking that the language piece would come eventually.  But when therapists started focusing on using alternate communication devices to help him communicate his basic needs (like PECS and the IPad) I started to lose a little hope.  I'm just being honest.  As a parent who is new to the Autism game, but also one who has heard numerous "professionals" say that  "if they don't speak by age 6, it likely won't ever happen," it just lets a little air out of my tires each day that we inch towards his alleged "cut-off" age with no progress in his verbal communication.  For us, this area has been 100% stagnant since beginning speech when he was a year old.  Now, don't mistake...this is not to say that he doesn't communicate at all.  He lets me know now (thanks to ABA) via sign language that he wants milk or his Ipad, but for now, we are limited to basically these two things.  He does not often initiate communication, even if he's hungry. I could ask him 300 times if he wants to eat, and he will not respond in any way.  One could then easily assume that he is not hungry, but when I proceed to bring his food to his table as I do every single day, he will undoubtedly eat the entire bowl and THEN some of whatever is on my menu for that meal.  I may ask him if he's thirsty, and he will not respond with any signals, but eventually I will give him his bottle (because yes, we are working on using a straw but making very slow progress at this) and he will drink the entire 8 ounces in a matter of minutes.

So what is it like to have a non-verbal toddler???  It is scary.  I don't know if he's had a good or bad day at school, if he enjoys the school bus that I send him on every day begrudgingly but out of necessity, if he actually likes the food I make for him or if he just eats it because he's starving, if' he's waking up in the middle of the night because there is a monster under his bed, or because he has a stomach ache.   I mean,  these just are the basics.  But there there are other things I think about.  Do I annoy him when I constantly repeat myself to him just to "make conversation?" What is his favorite color? What things interest him, outside of spelling? (Ironic that one who has not yet found verbal language  is so very gifted and interested in phonics, isnt' it?!) What does he REALLY want to do right now when we have 30 minutes to play? Would he ask to go to the play land at the mall if he could? Or is he really just content sitting here playing on his Ipad like he does every day?  He doesn't initiate much, and he always waits for me to direct him, so I don't know if he feels like he's not SUPPOSED to do anything until prompted, or if he's just truly fine how he is.  Is he ever sad? Does he feel upset when he has to change therapists, or schools?   Does he feel anger?  Does he feel left out when his brother and sister demand more of my time, while he sits contently watching Yo Gabba Gabba?  Does know what love means?  Does he feel love? Does he feel MY love?

I often talk to him and ask him about his day, and try to guess what he would say back to me.  I always try to engage him in "conversation" because I know that he understands every single word that I say, and I'm sure he likes to have my direct attention (even though he doesn't seek it out.)  I know this because of people like Carly Fleischmann, who is a brilliant young woman living with Autism, who has found her voice through typing.  Because of her ability to communicate her insight as an autistic person, I have become aware, almost to a fault, that Nicholas has feelings and emotions that he can't express, and that at some point down the road (whether verbally or by other means) he may tell me that I irritated the hell out of him!  I think about this more often than you'd think. Because of the many Autistic adults who have been able to express that they have thoughts and emotions just like the rest of us, I have educated myself on this and make sure that I acknowledge this to Nicholas.   However, sometimes I feel that because Nicholas is only four, I have no frame of reference as to what he understands, thinks and feels....not only because he's autistic, but because he's FOUR, and I have no idea what other four year olds think about, talk about, and understand.  It's like a double whammy of ignorance for me.

 And the fact of the matter is that it is very difficult to talk to someone who doesn't talk back.  Now, I'm not suggesting that this is at all the same thing (and I also hope this does not offend anyone in any way) but is the best example that I can think of when trying to explain this to someone who has not ever dealt with a non-verbal child.

Think about visiting a loved-one in the hospital who has just fallen into a coma.  You come in, sit down, tell them how you feel about them, and talk as much as you can to them during your visit until you run out of things to say. You tell them positive things, funny things, or just whatever is on your mind in that moment.  You do this because you know that they can hear you, you know they want you there, and you know it is important.  But imagine that this person remains this way for months and months....years even.   And you continue to visit this person each and every day. It becomes harder and harder to find things to talk about, because they are not able to show their interest in your subject matter, and you don't have anything new and exciting to share with them. You can ask them questions, but they can't respond.  So, you continue to tell them how you feel about them, that you love them, and try your best to keep up the one sided conversation each time you visit,  but it becomes more and more difficult as time passes.

Sometimes this is how I feel with Nicholas.  It is different from the scenario above, because of course he can respond to me in SOME ways.    I am thankful every day that I can have hugs and kisses from him (though I don't know if he understands why I ask him for a kiss...)  and he can smile if he thinks something I say is funny.  But from a conversational standpoint, it is just hard to know what to say, how much to say, and when I'm not saying enough.  I don't know if that makes any sense, but I often struggle with this.  I feel that I neglect him "verbally" sometimes because his younger siblings are always asking (or crying) for something, and with Nicholas, it's the opposite....I need to always remember to ask HIM if he needs something.  He is quiet, and sometimes I think his needs are not met as quickly as they should be as a result.

Aside from all of this, I just wonder if he's truly a happy little boy inside.  I wonder if he has interests other than what he outwardly shows through his Ipad and blocks.  I wonder if he wishes that I talked to him more, or if he wishes I'd leave him alone sometimes.  I wonder......I wonder a LOT of things.
We do share our "moments" together, and we have unspoken communication.  Sometimes, instead of talking, I just choose to "be" with him....sitting next to him while he does what he loves (plays word games on his beloved tablet.)  But sometimes, I wonder if that's okay, and if that is enough. These are the times I keep wondering where that rule book is....anyone? Anyone????

So to you autism parents reading this who have experienced this with your kids, I'd love to hear from you.  How do you talk to your kids? What do you say? How do you feel about it?  Also, I should qualify my earlier statement about the verbal 'cut-off" age of 6....I know this not to be true, and I'd love to hear your stories that disprove this horrible theory that is doled out by every professional that I've asked.  Every time I hear about a child who began speaking at age 8, 9, 10, or even 17, it gives me hope that one day I will know my little man's inner thoughts, and who he really is.

After all, that is all I really want.....

The New Year and The Old Me

So it's my first post of the New Year.  Every year feels like a fresh start to me, but this year feels a little different.  For the past four years (with a small break in between,)  our family has been in a constant state of evolution.  I haven't had a chance to catch my breath from three back to back pregnancies, three new babies,  and a couple of unexpected surgeries thrown in there.  Every time I have felt like we would finally start to get into a groove, some major life change occurred (namely, more children!)  It has been a wild, wild ride, and in the end I feel so very blessed to have all three of these little people around me.  At the same time, it has been a difficult four years of trying to manage with babies so close in age, unexpected health and pregnancy issues, autism stuff, and what felt like a complete loss of control of my life in general.  Every nook and cranny of my house went to shambles, I wasn't able to keep up with most projects that I started or wanted to start (this includes showers, because let's face it, with three little kids, this IS a project), and just basic communication with people outside of my immediate family was all but lost.  It has just been an enormous amount of work to keep up with, and somewhere along the way I lost a big part of myself. 

Last night, while browsing through last year's photos, I was shocked to see that it was only this time last year when Nicholas started spelling with his blocks.   And this time last year, Avery was not even talking yet.  And this time last year, Brody was a mere 1 week old who was waking every 2-3 hours to eat.   It seems so long ago to me already, because all three of them have developed so much in this past year, and SO quickly!  I have not been accustomed to how rapidly young children grow and change, because with Nicholas, everything has just taken eons longer than with my neuro-typical children.  However, THIS year, with the help of his teachers/therapists, and with the tremendous amount of work that he has done in his new-found ABA therapy, I actually can say, and truly feel for the first time that he has made enormous (and tangible) gains compared to where we were at this time in 2012.  He has begun to follow many simple directions, sign for a few key items, attempt to do stairs on his own, climb into the van and into his car seat, use a spoon to eat his own food, and just in the past two weeks, has even begun to potty train!!  Just writing all of that out amazes me, and I'm sure there are lots of other little things (oh yeah, like sleeping in a toddler bed) that I forgot to mention! He is truly gaining some long-sought-after (by me, and probably by him) independence that at times I can honestly say I wasn't sure would ever happen until much, much later. 

And little Avery....she is growing like a weed!  She has begun talking in sentences, pretend playing, helping me fetch things around the house, cleaning up her toys (ok, not very often or well, but she is trying!) and even she is taking an interest in potty training!  She is so sweet, loves to cuddle with me, play any kind of game I propose, and the best part is that she tells me, "I 'yuv' you mommy!"  all of the time.  Do you know how long I've waited to hear those words???? It melts my heart every time, and I will never, ever get tired of hearing it!  She made my YEAR with that little addition to her vocabulary!

Oh and then there's Brody....my crazy, sensitive, silly Brody.  He has been such a blessing to have, and every day that he smiles at me, I think of how lucky I am that he's here on this earth with us.  Despite the fact that his first year was a little tough as far as the sleeping goes, and for me, a little anxiety-filled because I have been so on edge about whether or not he will have fallen on the spectrum at some point, (because I can't help it....statistics are a scary thing....) I think we have finally turned a corner.  The little booger decided to make me sweat it a bit by not babbling for quite some time, but he's finally begun to babble up a storm at me daily.  He laughs, giggles, tries to imitate me, "brushes his hair" with the brush, and just in the past month, he has begun walking!  He's my little bruiser who loves to climb all over furniture, and dive head first off of it.  He's already had a giant bruise on his cheek, and a bloody nose along the way, so I can only guess what's in store for me as he grows older and more "boy-ish!"  (though Avery actually lost a front tooth this year due to a little slip and fall accident in the kitchen, so I'm sure our future of injuries has less to do with being a boy than I would like to think) :-)

All of this to say that I have had a blast this past year watching all three of my kids grow in their own ways, and into their own stages.  Along the way, I've been exasperated from time to time, exhausted many times, but totally in love all of the time.  

This year, I look forward to (hopefully) "settling in" a little more as a family, and trying to find at least a little part of the old ME again.  I focus all of my time and energy on the kids, of which I'd have no other way at their ages obviously, but I think this year will be a little easier to spend even just a teeny, tiny fraction more time focusing on me.   Brody is finally sleeping at night (I say that with a slight trace of hesitancy in my voice, as this is VERY new, and I'm not entirely convinced...)  Avery is  at that super-fun age, and also quite a bit more independent than I knew a two year old could be, and Nicholas is going to do some BIG things this year....I know it!  I'm starting this year in a positive frame of mind, and my goal (because I don't make resolutions) is to focus on getting life back in order.  I've already started this process, when it comes to the house, cleaning, organizing, etc. (because holy cow can you accumulate a lot of crap when you have three kids in four years!) But I also want to regain some order when it comes to me!  I need to pay more attention to myself this year, find/make time to shower, paint my nails, read a book, and exercise regularly. Doing my hair is pushing it, but I could always slap on a little make-up at least!  I need to make my own doctors appointments that I always put off because my kids' appointments always come first.  I need to talk to my friends from time to time, even if this means hiding in a closet somewhere so I can hear what they are trying to say!  I need to clear out the clutter in my life, so that I can breathe again. This will be my journey and focus this year, and I hope yours is the 2013 that you hope it will be!  Happy New Year everyone!