On Sleeping...Or Lack Thereof

It's 2:00am. I have just finished feeding Brody, my 4 month old, his mid-night bottle (of which the pediatrician says I should have already weaned him from....yeah right. YOU listen to him scream at 1:30am!!)  As I roll over, and snuggle my body pillow, ready to reach the depths of sleep I was just jarred from by my crying infant, I hear the dreaded noises coming from Nicholas' room.  The "eeeeees" and "aaaahhhhhsss" and growls of a sleepless and talkative toddler. Here we go again, I think.  This has been the trend over the past couple of months.  Despite attempting to keep an afternoon nap (because "they" say this actually promotes sleep at night,) give up an afternoon nap (because what "they" say wasn't working,) increase his evening dose of melatonin to almost double his original dose, let him run around outside or anywhere just to wear him out, nothing seems to keep him asleep at night.  Now, I know all parents say that they don't sleep for at least 18 years, and in particular when you have multiple children.  I get that our situation is not unique in that way.  However, what is unique is why he is waking.  It's not to come and climb into bed with us, or request some water or milk, or to ask for a snack.  It's not because there is a boogie man in his room, or a dragon under his bed.  Or is it????  This is what pains me.  When I hear him in his room at night, it frustrates me because it is not his fault.  His brain simply does not function like a typical child, and often times, children with special needs of many kinds do not have the same innate ability to distinguish between night and day like most of us do.  So this is my best guess as to why he is waking.... his confused unique brain.  Whether or not I am right is just another question I will probably never know the answer to.

 He is not always unhappy when he wakes.  Sometimes he just continues "talking" and even laughing at only Lord knows what for an hour or two....or three.  Often, if my husband or I try to coax him back to sleep, it is to no avail.  After so many weeks of this occurring, we have decided that the only thing to do is let it run its course.  He sometimes even becomes more agitated when we try to intervene by lying next to him, re-covering him with his weighted blanket, or just simply placing a hand on him to try and calm him.  However, last night, I just couldn't listen to it anymore.  It had been going on for 45 minutes or so, and of course I cannot ever sleep soundly through this ordeal, and quite to the contrary, I end up laying there with an adrenaline rush trying to figure out why it is happening, and what to do for him.

After a string of exasperated obscenities  poured out of my mouth (because yes....I am human and tired,) I decided to drag my exhausted body out of bed and take a crack at it one more time.  Maybe it would be different than our  countless other attempts. As I crept into his room, I found him laying face down in an awkward position at the end of his bed rocking and "stimming," which is common for autistic children (according to what "they" say)  His moans continued, and as I picked him up to place him on his pillow, I saw the crusty remnants of a bloody nose....also a nightly/weekly ritual in our house.  (Lucky, Nicholas got this fabulous family genetic trait from me.)  I re-positioned him on the bed, grabbed a wet wash cloth to clean his face, and began my  attempt at lulling him back into a state of sleep....whatever state that may be. I began by gently stroking his face around his eyes, nose and cheeks. Instead of this calming him, as I'd hoped, instead he began hysterically laughing. Only THIS could evoke a laugh from ME at this ridiculous time of night....his laugh always warms my heart. After the novelty of the 2am laugh wore off,   I then decided to lay my head down on his chest, hoping that the added pressure to his trunk would calm him and draw him back to sleep.  Unfortunately, this resulted in his flailing around, hitting me, and becoming very agitated. Eventually, I found myself postured in a position where the lower half of my body was hanging off the side of the tiny toddler bed, and my trunk was pressed against Nicholas' chest.  I began to run my fingers through his hair, while simultaneously using the "Shhh Shhh Shhh" method that I use many times a day with my baby, Brody. I figured if it works for him, it's worth a shot for Nicholas!  So, there I sat....as still as humanly possible as to not disturb the quiet and peaceful (but still awake) state in which I now found him.

 I continued to use my "magic method," while rubbing his head and slowly but surely, my body began to stiffen and tingle.  I tried as long as I could to not move, as I saw his eyes begin to finally roll back into his head, but quickly pop back open every few seconds.  C'mon Renee.....you can hang in here for a few more minutes until he is out!  Ten minutes passed without so much as a leg shift from me.  Eyes closing, popping open.....  C'MON!!!  How does this kid stay AWAKE like this??? It's like he's trying to win a contest or something!   Finally, and unfortunately before it was "safe" to move, the cramp that had been forming in my arm from leaning on it for now a solid 15 minutes became more than I could stand.  And so I shifted ever so slightly...... Well, of course, at this his eyes popped open like Jack out of his Box. They were now WIDE open, and  it was as if he'd never even been close to sleeping in the first place.  This is when his famous vocal songs began again.   Hmph.....foiled again. So there it went....my window of opportunity to get him back to sleep had disintegrated after a 45 minute attempt.  I retreated from his room (now close to 3am) feeling completely defeated and exhausted.

This was a night when I just wished that when I had a child awaken before dawn, that he could at least  be soothed by me telling him that the boogie man wasn't under his bed, or by giving him a sip of water, or even letting him crawl into bed with me. But this is not my reality, and I will continue to try and read his mind for as long as it takes.  He is worth it. Until then, I will always wonder what makes him talk and laugh into the night.

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